A Fable

What Election Fraud Saved Us From: A Fable

President Trump’s crushing defeat of Joe Biden in November 2020 was far from surprising. His historically unprecedented landslide was predictable, given the overwhelming success of his first term and his vast popular support. Every predictor other than the suspect polls pointed to a coming easy win. His corrupt and incompetent challenger was too cognitively impaired even to campaign; it’s amazing that he managed to eke out narrow wins in Massachusetts and Hawaii. Nothing short of widespread election fraud could have prevented the inevitable outcome.

Unfortunately, the violent reaction to Trump’s victory on the part of a small but determined minority was no less predictable. It had, after all, been threatened well in advance. The riots of the preceding summer paled in comparison to the riots Trump’s re-election triggered in cities across the country controlled by Democrats. Washington was, of course, among the worst.

Thousands of buildings in the nation’s capitol were looted and burned. The plywood store owners had put up to protect their property in the event of a Trump win was of little use against the incensed, well-organized mob. Some of the rioters carried firearms, now known to have been supplied from pre-positioned caches, ready for the spontaneous demonstrations against the electorate’s threat to democracy. Three police precincts were burned to the ground and most others suffered serious damage. Police were attacked with rocks and bricks, bottles of frozen water, lasers that caused blindness, and commercial grade fireworks. After the first day, DC Mayor Muriel Bowser ordered them to stand down, and to focus on protecting the Chinese embassy and certain neighborhoods in Georgetown and northwest Washington. A few rioters were arrested, but Kamala Harris and others solicited funds for bail and encouraged them to return to the fray

Historic St. John’s Church, still damaged from the riots of the summer, was finally burned to the ground. A Bishop arrived and, holding Saul Alinsky's Rules for Radicals, delivered a homily over the smoldering ruins in which he explained that this was the sort of small sacrifice the nation needed to make for the sake of racial healing. Mayor Bowser immediately ordered a huge “TRUMP LOST!” to be painted on Pennsylvania Avenue in front of the White House, as soon as the rubble was cleared.

The small number of Capitol Hill police, who, despite Speaker Pelosi’s order not to interfere with the legitimate expression of rage, tried to defend the building, were quickly overcome by the rioters. However, one Capitol police officer, after recovering the pistol he had accidentally left in a bathroom, joined in with the rioters and shot an unarmed congresswoman in the neck, fatally wounding her. His identity was immediately revealed and the authorities promise indictment and punishment for cold-blooded murder. Once the rioters gained entry to the Capitol Building, the rampage resulted in extensive damage, including smashed statuary, destroyed paintings, and graffiti covering the marble walls; a common theme was “Fuck Trump.” Furnishings were piled in the rotunda and set ablaze. Fortunately, the mechanism designed automatically to drop the original United States Constitution to a secure vault in the event of nuclear attack performed perfectly, saving this despised target of the rioters from the flames. Many offices were ransacked or destroyed by Molotov cocktails. It appears that Democrat members had been forewarned, and most escaped, but several Republican members were attacked and severely beaten. Congresswoman AOC courageously stood her ground, shouting her support for the demonstrators from a locked bathroom in a nearby building. At this point, two Republican Representatives and one Senator have died and several from both houses are in critical condition.

Two female members of the House of Representatives brandished what were later found to be unloaded firearms at the insurrectionists. Both have been arrested and are being held incommunicado in the DC prison, awaiting charges. Mayor Bowser announced that they would be found guilty of violating the civil rights of the BLM and Antifa protestors. She said, “White supremacists do not deserve due process, which is a racist idea anyway.” In the meantime, the DA’s office announced that the many unjustly arrested protestors would be released without bail and that their charges would, in all likelihood, be dropped.

The police in the afflicted cities having been rendered useless by the Democratic mayors, President Trump finally ordered the United States Army to step in to end the insurrection. A highly placed general, proclaiming that the President was a white supremacist, tried to countermand the order, but was, it appears, killed by his own men, allegedly members of Oath Keepers. Thus, order was restored after a few days, but hundreds died and there has been incalculable property loss, especially in minority neighborhoods. The insurrection was put down too late for Portland and Seattle; of these once great cities almost nothing remains.

At the height of the violence, CNN anchor Chris Cuomo rhetorically asked, “Who says protests have to be peaceful?” His colleague, Don Lemon, reported that while dining at an exclusive restaurant in the capitol, he had seen no sign of violence but had been recognized by adoring fans. The reports of violence were, he assured his several viewers, just another right-wing conspiracy theory. Interviewed on MS-NBC, representative Adam Kinzinger wept openly; it wasn’t clear whether he was moved to anguish by the Trump win, or to joy at the attack on the seat of government of a systemically racist country. Representative Adam Schiff attempted to cry as well, but was unconvincing.

The Lincoln Memorial survived, though with a decapitated statue of the emancipator which was extensively spray-painted with anti-racist and anti-American slogans. It remains to be seen whether the Jefferson Memorial, heavily damaged by pipe bombs, is a total loss, or it if can be rebuilt. Reportedly, the DC City Council is considering purchasing the ruin from the Federal government and turning it into a memorial to George Floyd. The White House was saved, but at the cost many casualties among members of the Secret Service.

While parts of the city still burned, Speaker Pelosi announced a second impeachment of President Trump, citing his incitement of the brutal military response that ended the rioting, as well as his once again having colluded with Putin to steal an election. She assured critics that her remaining days as Speaker allowed ample time for a full and fair investigation. She also opined that only a fascist like Trump would label the mostly peaceful protests an insurrection.

On a side note from the business world, investors have suddenly lost confidence in the largest suppliers of election hardware and software and their value has plummeted. The companies have been informed that their contracts will not be renewed for future elections, though no explanation for this was given. However, Joe Biden was overheard exclaiming, “Come on, man: those machines were an utter waste of money!” The rest of his statement is, unfortunately, unintelligible.